There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
no, he came in my armpit
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
