His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
