Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If I die, sorry about rent.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
