i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
