I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
