Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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