I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
