It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
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At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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