Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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