wanna go halves on a baby?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
