Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
