if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
