our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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