so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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