I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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