i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
