my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
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i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
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It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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