I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
