her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It's just like the Real World with babies
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
