When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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