I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
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