are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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