Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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