Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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