tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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