i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
worst night to have a conscience
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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