I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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