ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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