I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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