I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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