My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Operation Purity has been aborted
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
