Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize