My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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