just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
