Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
worst night to have a conscience
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
