Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
