i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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