He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
