My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
