Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
