i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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