If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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