I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
