I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
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She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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