that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
she told me i tasted like america
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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