he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
