I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
