i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
