meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
