you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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