i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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