shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Found the puke drawer
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
