I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
