i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
